SQL TUNING WORKSHOP

The SQL Cafe

Transform bloated SQL into espresso-shot efficiency. Ten anti-patterns, ten fixes, one coffee shop schema.

Start with The Schemaor jump to the query →
Live Benchmark
Before
6,327ms
After
47ms
99.3% faster134.6× speedup
10
Anti-patterns
14
Tables
~45
Minutes
99.3%
Faster after
The Problem

One Query.
Ten Mistakes.

A query that should take milliseconds crawls for seconds. The culprit? Stacked anti-patterns that compound into performance catastrophe — and they're all hiding in plain sight.

See all ten →
SELECT *                          -- Fetching 80 columns
FROM orders o
WHERE YEAR(o.order_date) = 2024   -- Non-sargable!
  AND o.total = '25.99'          -- Type mismatch!
  AND o.status IN ('P', 'S')        -- ...and 7 more sins
How It Works

Three steps to query enlightenment.

Move through the workshop end-to-end, or skip ahead to whatever's broken in production this week.

Espresso Shots

Ten anti-patterns. Ten fixes.

Interactive visualizations for each concept. Click any shot to dive in.

Ready to Optimize?

Start with the schema, dissect the query, master the fixes. Forty-five minutes from your first SELECT to a production-ready toolkit.

Start with The Schema
1Explore the 14-table schema~10 min
2Dissect the monster query~15 min
3Master 10 espresso shots~20 min